Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
They also CAN sing✌️
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”