Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people