Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.