Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.


Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.


Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.


Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.


ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]


Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”


Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church