cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.