Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
A friend sent me this.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
my first day as a raccoon
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King