Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Sunday
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Florida be like…
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.