Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍