Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale