Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.