COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.