Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.