cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
🔦🌙👣
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.