Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Google assistant rules
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶