Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.