@LoveNLunchmeat PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
@daemonic3 Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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@LoveNLunchmeat 
@QueenVofCoffee Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
@nerdgirlcomedy Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
@Metalligretch I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
@ChicksRule Aw man, but that’s the best part
@SuperRandomish If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
@okimstillhungry *1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
@capnmcfword He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
@Dawn_M_ Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
@sad_tree *sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost