@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

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@LoveNLunchmeat

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

@QueenVofCoffee

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

@Metalligretch

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@capnmcfword

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@Dawn_M_

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

@sad_tree

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost