Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT