Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Yup
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.