Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.