cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years