[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.