Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.