Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10, then it’s a cat. - @subtweetopath

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

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