Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
You Might Also Like
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
The Struggle
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi