*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top