Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft