Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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I can fix him.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5