Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
How can I say no to this ?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
This is true.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*watches the world burn*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.