Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*pronounces woah like Noah*
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.