COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
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My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.