cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.