Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.