cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
these two trucks have the same bed length
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that