[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face


Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.



-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today


I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.


Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.


Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.


Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.


“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.