@IamEnidColeslaw I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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@IamEnidColeslaw 
@ilovepie84 Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
@ADDiane Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
@cellapaz DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
@Carbosly I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
@Brianhopecomedy Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
@blade_funner Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
@ImAlexOliver Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
@DoctorAjayita Most fashion shows these days…
@LizHackett “Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.