@

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

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@IamEnidColeslaw

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

@ADDiane

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

@cellapaz

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

@Carbosly

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

@Brianhopecomedy

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@ImAlexOliver

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

@LizHackett

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.