NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My boss called in sick of me
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.