@HepatitisAtoZ

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

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@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@truegritrumble

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

@Darlainky

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

@WilliamAder

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

@tarashoe

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

@P1ssed_K1d

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.