CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]