#CoronaOutbreak
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I falcon love using swear birds
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.