Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER