coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex