coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Bros before Ohioes
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho