Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
These work great until they don’t.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
The top ans was
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.