Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
bro what is going on at twitter
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers