[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog