Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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Everyone’s family
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger