Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
You Might Also Like
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.