My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?