Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
any last words?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.