Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them


There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.


THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.


Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.


[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.


Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.


[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?


Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?