Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why is no one talking about this?!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.