cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
They got a point!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.