Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”