Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
What about second breakfast?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….