Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You Might Also Like
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle