Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”