[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed