[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Huge”.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.