Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.